Issue #35: Back to basics

Today I wanted to try something complete different. For some days I had feel myself sort of 'stuffed', like I had eaten too much sugar, fat, salt and all those substances that make you feel sort of toxicated.

So, the solution is here - a plate full of healthy food! On the plate you can find green lettuce, cherry tomates, grapes, baby carrots and chicken slices. And not just any type of food - they're all bio-organic (or 'luomu' in Finnish), except chicken and grapes. I chose chicken so the plate would be more nutritionally balanced - chicken has highest protein value compared to fat it contains (nearly none). I also added some olive oil to give some fat.



Also the thing here is that everything is eaten slowly and by hand, enjoying the taste and texture. When eaten slowly, one will feel also satisfied at the right moment - not like you stuff yourself with xxl hamburger meal in no time and after that you're so full of it you can barely walk.

I also drank lots of cold water with this, and had a bio-organic rice pudding as a dessert, as shown here.



Verdict:
This was quite new to me, but it tasted quite nice because it had salty elements (chicken), neutral (lettuce) and sweet (grapes). I instantly felt better and also my bowel started to working (ok, not more about that). I felt quite fresh afterwards and will definently do this again someday.

Issue #33: What, Me Pasta?

I'm a big fan of (cheap) pasta, especially with olives. Yum! For a change, I bought a jar of tomato-basil pasta sauce instead of the usual tomato-olive pasta sauce, and the usual minced meat.


Ah, I love this stuff, even though it looks like vomit. Yeah, it's not just the picture that makes it look like faggotry, it really does look like that. The taste is great, although I'm more used to the olive sauce thing. A welcome change, I suppose. The best part was that there was even some left over!

Oh, yes. This'll happen again soon.

Verdict:
\o/

Food Review Crew in The Jumalauta Hour

Yes yes y'all, normally I wouldn't plug The Jumalauta Hour here (much), but this time, the Food Review crew is featured in the latest episode of the JML Hour, "Misfortune and Disaster"!


Featured are: me (Ylvaes), naetti tyttoe, saksan perussanasto, maitotuote, soluttautuja and paasikivi-kekkosen linja. I'm the interviewer type thing!

I suggest you get it right away! Oh, and you might want to consider subscribing to the podcast RSS feed as well.

More to come at some point, possibly!

Jumalauta Helsinki Drink Test #1

Ok, this is my first post here and I had some problems with login earlier, so I had to start again. Let's continue!

It's Sunday - perfect day for sipping fancy drinks. Yesterday I went to Alko (local liquer store) and purchased some premium alcohol beverages, and today's dedicated to what one can make out of them.

Drink featured today is a variation of the famous drink called Daiquiri - I like to call my version 'Lady Daiquiri'. It consists of vodka or light rum (your choice, I used both), sweetened lime juice (Rose's) and mineral water. Amount of parts may vary - I used 1 part vodka, 1 part light rum, 2 parts lime juice and 2 parts mineral water. Decorated with cherry and peel of lime.



The color is seducing and the drink tastes just awesome, it's not too sweet nor too sour. Alcohol doesn't taste through so you can drink quite a punch of these and get drunk without noticing - at least it happened to me!

Verdict:

Definitely fist up!

Issue #31: Pori Extravaganza!

Hay guys what's going on, I'm back from Pori now, where we celebrated the 25th burffday of paasikivi-kekkosen linja/jML! Lots of booze was consumed, and lots of silly things happened. But, here at JFR we concentrate on the important parts: the food. Friday night consisted of boozing mostly, and when we came back from the bar, we had to grab a little something to eat. Hunger never rests!


I can't remember what it was called, but it was something like "big mega super awesome burger", or if it wasn't, it should've been! It looks absolutely disgusting in that picture, but the taste was great. I can't remember much of it, to be honest, but I believe I was very vocal about it on that late Friday night.

Oh, and this happened:


Don't ask.

I ate all kinds of stuff on Saturday, but I forgot to take pictures as usual. I realized this sometime late on Saturday night, so I decided to compensate by commenting on a cream cracker I ate.


Uh. It was a cream cracker. Minus the cream. So I guess that makes it just a cracker. And shit. Eh.

Oh, and here's a picture of total utter fucking failure on my part:


Anyway, the weekend was cool! Now,

BITCHES LEAVE

Verdict:
Fistarooni!

Issue #24: Student Lunch Fantastico

We went to Tottisalmi for a (student) lunch today, as a sort of ex tempore type thing.


The meal consisted of beef patty, or "a swedish meatball that isn't swedish or a ball" as sAk/jML! put it, potatoes, a salad, and a free choice of bread. I took rye bread. Yum! The meal was for some reason very uninteresting; the pepper sauce was OK, but the rest was mostly just, well, a bit meh.

Verdict:
Fist down. Indeed.

FOOD+MUSIC #2 AT SOME POINT

HAY GUYS WHATS GOING ON

i'm drunk like amotherfuxcker at this point, but i'd just like to tell yhou that food+music #2 is coming up like this week or next week because i order this yesterday. I BET IT WILL BE AWESOME YOU JUST WAIT

YES

Issue #21: FETA CHEESEBURGER OMG WHAT

I'm totally losing my faith in Hesburger. Seriously, the feta cheeseburger they sold last week was a fucking disaster.


Fries, coke, ketchup, the usual. The comments are basically the same as the last time I had some Hesburger goodness.


Well now! This doesn't really look like it did in the adverts! I've been FOOLED! And what the fuck is up with half the burger consisting of salad? All that shit fucking fell on the floor! WHY IS THIS? RAAAAAAARRRRRR. Other than that, the burger was ok. But seriously, Hesburger. FUCKIN' CONCENTRATE

Verdict:
XCJCXIOXCJOIXCZV

Food+Music #1: Italian Dish

It's time to start a new series with this slightly unconventional review. In other words, I am going to review a CD and food ... at the same time! Insanity!

The CD of the review is Rvng Prsnts Mx4: Crazy Rhythms.


The food is a Vegetariana pizza from Pronto in Turku, with the mushrooms replaced with minced meat. Additional ingredients were feta cheese, paprika and (black) olives.


As I entered Pronto, I first ordered the pizza (and a Fanta), after which I sat down to listen to the CD on my iPod (ripped to 192 kbps AAC). I am greeted by the lovely, soft pads of Giorgio Moroder - Night Drive (reprise), but after two minutes of chilling out for a bit, the beat kicks in courtesy of Klein & M.B.O.. As the promotional text on the Rvng site might imply, (Italo) disco is the thing on this mix CD, with a few exceptions.

After the third song on the CD, I received my pizza. For some reason, it was bigger than pizzas in Pronto usually are, and oval, not round. Odd. Luckily, this didn't modify the taste in any way. As I listened to a hilarious italian disco version of Led Zeppelin's Whole Lotta Love by Massimo Barsotti, I took the first bite of the pizza. I had a similar pizza a few days ago, and once again, I was not disappointed. I also hope that Massimo's pronunciation of "Whole Lotta Love" as "ahollalalloow" didn't produce too much giggles in me.

The cheese cooled a bit, thankfully, and the beat kept on going strong. This had truly been a great experience so far - great music, great food. The downside was that I was really hungry, so eating the pizza didn't take too long. So, I left, with the Crazy Rhythms mix blaring in my headphones. Around this point, the disco briefly goes into early house music, by Musicology's and Tyree's smooth grooves. But fear not, the disco beats return again after Acid Crash. The mix is in full-on party mode now, and keeps on going for a few tracks, going into a wild crescendo with the wild, hot beats by Dinosaur. The song fades out, and in come The Feelies with a track the mix duo, Dan Selzer and Mike Simonetti, grabbed their name from.

Wonderful.

Verdict:
YES SIR PLZ

Issue #16: Pizza and Wine Extravaganza!!!!

I am truly sorry, dear readers. We have failed you. You see, the title is misleading. It implies that I enjoyed the pizza and the wine at the same time. But, alas, this is not the case. I ate the pizza earlier in the day, and I just drank the wine.


I can't remember what the pizza was called, but I bought it from a place called Sydney in Turku, and it included bacon, salami and ham. Unlike the picture might imply, it was actually quite tasty, although incredibly salty.


As you can see, here at JFR we're at the height of sophistication. A paper coffee mug is perfect for enjoying some lovely cheap wine. The wine is uh, Montalto red wine. Look, I know nothing about wine. It smelled good, it tasted less great and was great to get drunk with.


The cup wasn't entirely compatible with the wine, though.

Now we're just drinking beer.

Verdict:
Fist up!!!!!!!

Issue #13: Special Report from Sweden #2

Your favorite team of food scientists have now returned from Sweden, and are suffering (well, I am) from a total darknez horror hangover. The party (Deadline) wasn't too awesome, but the trip was great! We had some drinks, ate stuff, had some more drinks, and had a few drinks more to top off the previous drinks. But this blog isn't about parties, but about food, so let's concentrate on the steak I ate for a while.


The only option was with fries and bearnaise sauce, but for 55 kronor (about 5 euros I suppose), I'm not complaining. I had just had some wok so it felt really silly to eat more but oh well, I was slightly hung over. The taste was mediocre at best, the fries were soggy and the sauce was a total wtf experience. But, like I said, 55 kronor.

After this culinary orgasm, we progressed to a bar next to the partyplace, which had some really lovely communist art in the ceiling.


We had some beers, mostly Karhu III (which was 5,3% for some reason!) and some other beer. But if I thought that the steak was bad, I was totally in for a surprise.


I present to you: Strömming på knäcke. This was probably the strangest thing I've ever eaten. We pondered about the possibilities of this lovely delicacy the day before at the same bar, but on Saturday evening we finally took the plunge and bought one.


It was awful. How can a living, breathing human being have come up with such a dreadful fucking snack? Seriously, imagine being at a bar, and you're looking through the list of snacks. You know, the usual: chips, toast, perhaps a weird beer sausage or something. But fucking herring on crispbread?! The idea itself is so fucking absurd that I can't even imagine how someone has come up with it. I mean, I like herring, and I like crispbread. But somehow, these fucking Swedes totally managed to fuck it all up. It was incredible.


So after that, I grabbed a toast. It included tomate, bacon and cheese. Contrary to the herring disaster, it was very tasty. But boring. So we decided to go to the partyplace and check out some compos. But the problem was that we hadn't quite finished our beers yet, so we did the only logical thing there was to do: we stole the pints and ran out. Apparently the staff ran after us, I can't remember. Funny shit.


Turns out that we managed to become unpopular at some weird swedish train station pub because of stuff like this:


Grrrrrrrrreat.

My mind is kinda blurry after this, but we wanted more beer so we started walking someplace far away to find some 7-11 that was open 24/7. We didn't find anything, so we called a cab and told the driver to take us to some store where we can buy beer. He obliged, and we bought six folköl and went back to the partyplace. Maitotuote was tired so he went to sleep, but me and anmllxvkcvs stood outside for a few hours and drank our beers. Then it was bedtime...


After a very disappointing prizegiving ceremony, we headed to Slussen to get some beer. We finally found some bar, where we drank a few Norrlands Guld. (pictured) We then headed to Taco Bar to get some uh, tacos, which tasted great. It was time to go back to Finland, so we went to the harbor and checked in. We then drank insane amounts of beer on the boat, made complete fools out of ourselves, and got back home safely.

Verdict:
Cool trip, fist up!



edit:
oh and we also did this cool advert during the trip

Issue #11: Special Report From Sweden #1

The Jumalauta Superstars are reporting from Sweden, from a demoparty called Deadline! We were too busy drinking and making demos yesterday, so the first report (and probably the second) are coming today!



My breakfast today consisted of some chicken wok thing, and a bottle of Jolt Cola, courtesy of the local 7-11. The wok was awesome, it wasn't too spicy or anything - everything was just right! I've never been a huge fan of Jolt, but since I haven't had any in ages, I just had to give it a go. A nice and healthy (?) breakfast!

Verdict:
Wooptydoo fist up!

SPECIAL REPORT FROM SWEDEN

Starting tomorrow, a special Jumalauta task force including me, anvlks? and maitotuote will be in Sweden, doing a special report for y'all! We'll be checking out Swedish cuisine, both liquid and solid!

So uh, see you at Deadline.

Issue #7: Pasta El Cheapo

Today's meal consisted of two cheap microwave hamburgers, and some Maggi Pastaria uh, pasta. I believe the flavor was tomato-parmesan or something like that. It was pretty hard to tell.



I ate the burgers while I cooked the pasta. I forgot to bring the ketchup and mustard to the kitchen, so they were dry and uncomfortable. Mind you, I was ridiculously hungry at the time, as I hadn't eaten anything prior to that. This was like nine in the evening. Totally!



The finished dish didn't look as enticing as it did on the packaging. Also, I'm a bit strapped for cash at the moment so I didn't buy any meat to accompany the pasta - normally I always do this! While this dinner (/breakfast/lunch) wasn't as disgusting as the salad I had a few days earlier, it definitely came close.

Verdict:
What the fuck do you think?

Who Said We Aren't Serious About This?

We at the Jumalauta Food Review are committed to our work. Our reviews might not show it properly, but a considerable amount of research goes into every article. For instance, have you ever wondered what beer tastes like in the slippery slopes? (or something.)

Here at JFR we find these little things out for you!



Who said we aren't serious about this?

WHO?

Issue #5: xcvznklövzxcönlkj

Hello, I've been out drinking today, and as such I've only managed to grab one picture.



I had about five of these. (Olvi III) Didn't taste that great, although the taste did get better after a few beers. Afterwards, I mixed Saaremaa 80% with some keltainen Jaffa and got really drunk. Taste was OK too, although I could still taste the Saaremaa in the delicious Jaffa. Drinking some more of the magic potion fixed that problem somewhat. Then, I went to another bar (or whatever) and had some more beers. After that, I went to a second place and had even more beers. Then, I went to a third place and totally lost count. Also, at this point, I didn't really give a flying fuck about the taste of beer.

Now I'm at home wondering why everything kinda sucks.

Perfect evening, in other words!

Verdict:
Very positive fist up!