jML On The Road #1: First We Take Varkaus

No, this is not an advertisement for Koff beer. It's my party report from Simulaatio 4 that took place in Varkaus, Finland last weekend! Now that I've finally recovered from excessive drinking and hangovers, I can concentrate fully on writing this report that'll surely be filled to the brim with awesomeness. I mentioned in the last post that there were grand plans for reporting on this fine event, but I decided to ditch those plans while at Simulaatio. For instance, we were going to review every single can/bottle of beer we drank. Well, suffice to say, we didn't. I reviewed three. Beers #2, #3 and #11 to be exact. And those reviews were nothing special. At all. So uh, on with the show...

The trip from Turku to Simulaatio was a somewhat painful one (although not nearly as painful as the trip back, but more on that later), and we were all mostly just bored as hell when we arrived to the partyplace. But, when we finally DID get to the partyplace, we went inside, paid our tickets, left our stuff inside somewhere, and then proceeded to some beach nearby to commence the aforementioned excessive drinking. It was all fun and dandy, and I handed out a bunch of Smultronix CDs to people. (yeah, blatant advertising) The Koff picture in the beginning of the post is from the beach.

The day soon turned to night, and we were all drunk as fuck, out of beer and out of cigarettes. Thus, most of us went to get some sleep, me included. After sleeping incredibly badly on a hard floor next to some dude that had a really fucking hard time shutting up even while asleep (you try sleeping while some dude does a high-pitched "EEEH! EEEEEH! EEEEEHHHH!" noise at irregular intervals while sleeping), it was time to wake up, have a shower and get some breakfast. Me and my brother went to the legendary KGB Grilli which is around 100 meters from the partyplace, and both ordered the pictured Agenttilautanen. As we were both incredibly hung over, we figured that a meal with steak, eggs, sausage and french fries would do JUST THE TRICK. Well, it sort of did. We left KGB feeling slightly ill, but at least we weren't hungry. My god, I still see bad dreams about the size of that fucking thing.

The excessive drinking soon commenced again, and as we became hungry again sometime in the evening, another visit to KGB was required. This time, we both had a pepper steak. If the agenttilautanen was somewhat overwhelming, the pepper steak was incredibly underwhelming. By no means a bad meal to eat while drunk, but still. The steak was burned, there was no sauce, etc. It was all a bit, you know, meh.

The Eurovision Song Contest was of course something that had to be watched, as Lordi—Finland's representative—had a good chance of winning. In fact, the organizers of Simulaatio moved the competitions to an earlier time slot so that everyone could watch the ESC from the big screen. What happened then was almost as if it was from Tales of the Unexpected: Finland won! Whoa! This of course led to ze huge partyings.

The excessive drinking was far from over at this point, but my memories are slightly hazy, except that we were mostly just being sad little motherfuckers late at night/really early in the morning, treasuring every drop of beer and every cigarette puff like it was gold. But we came to our senses at some point and headed back inside to get some rest. And, in the morning, after the quite uninteresting and uneventful pricegiving ceremony, we headed back home to Turku.

We had to stop to eat at some point, and what I had was an incredibly terrible hamburger at a gas station called ABC. Words cannot describe how bad it was. It was as if someone at ABC had seen a hamburger once as a child, figured "hey, I can do that!", and not noticed that no, he fucking can't. Oh well. At least I wasn't hungry anymore. Instead, I felt sick and had to sit for hours in a car. Wonderful. Eventually we reached Turku, and it was time to rest. Home, sweet home.



Footnote:
For some reason, I took a picture of this plastic spoon that I used to mix my coffee, which was apparently very hot. Just thought you should know.